A Great Debate | My Hormones Made Me Do It

A Great Debate Category

Nov

2009

Shades of Grey

As soon as I became Pregnant Girl I started wishing that people would mind their own business or, at the very least, use a filter. Has anyone else noticed that the day you announce you are growing a human being is the day everyone and their brother has a little advice for you. Foreshadowing for this annoying gesture actually starts long before we are pregnant. For me it started with the intrusive “do you want a family” followed by the rude “how old are you” and finished with “if you want my advice don’t wait too long.”

Once a lady actually said do you want my opinion to which I said no thank you and you know she went right on and told me why I should start trying to have kids today. She was adamant I should have 3 kids spaced 2 years apart each and on and on her opinions went. I am sure she even chose my non-existent child’s college, but by that time I had swallowed an entire glass of wine in one gulp and was off to flag down the cocktail waitress.

Five years later and against all odds my 30-something year old eggs did the unthinkable and I am part of some kind of new club where moms welcome me with a different degree of acceptance. Like instead of playing for the I put kids on hold for my career team I now play for being a mom is the only reason to live team and that means all kinds of moms like me. This is actually great because to be honest this first trimester has me too damn tired to root for any team. Apparently exhaustion has made me somewhat of a people pleaser. So I’m in this club where the membership is free and like the mafia this is a once you’re in you can’t ever get out kind of organization. I was just starting to enjoy my new status when the biggest unsolicited advice hit me like a mack truck.

In casual conversation I mentioned that I had enjoyed a leisurely jog that morning and all of the sudden I got a look, daggers and all, that would have a person thinking I pulled a gun and robbed a bank while I was on my jog that very morning and was now a Pregnant Girl on the run. But no, all I said was I am a Pregnant Girl who runs. If I could have been kicked out of the mom’s club by this one woman who I happen to call mom then that would have been it. The advice started flowing and it sure didn’t matter that I had read articles and talked to my doctor. For every article I had she had one back. For every reason I gave she gave one back. We have been circling this way for the past two weeks and I just want to call it a grey area and move on.

The thing about grey areas is that they are always there, add in pregnancy and suddenly life is grey. It starts in the morning with a cup of coffee then continues to lunch with the deli meat decision and ends with your roots growing wildly because some member of the club told you highlights are off limits. If only we could grab a glass of wine and forget about the day of grey, but that wouldn’t be allowed either…or would it?

A Great Debate, Moms and MILs, Pregnant Girl 4

Oct

2009

What Kind of Working Mom Are You?

One of my favorite sites is Mommy Tracked and this week Leslie Morgan Steiner wrote an awesome article that got me all fired up. If you left to read it I don’t blame you, but glad you’re back. It inspired me to write about another one of the most intrusive and inappropriate questions (why are there so freakin’ many?) that people love to ask a Pregnant Girl.

Are you planning to go back to work after the baby?

The problem with that question is two-sided. Suppose she says no, I am going to be a stay at home mom or suppose she says yes, after 3 months off we are going to hire a nanny and I will go back to work. Either way there is a 50% chance the person asking the question did the opposite. Meaning everyone feels judged, judgmental, defensive, jealous or some combination of those negative feelings.

Some women have always known that they want to stay at home once they have kids, but not every woman knows which roll she will take on until she holds her child for the first time. And that is assuming she has the choice. While I don’t have a baby yet, it’s not so far off that I expect a financial windfall that will allow us (let me point out this is an us situation, my husband and me, not just me although I will take the brunt of the judgement) to maintain our lifestyle if I chose to stay home. And I already know you stay at home judgers and Dr. Laura lovers are saying change your lifestyle, but that is not for you to decide. I think my children will prefer a lifestyle that allows them to travel and enjoy extracurricular activities. Or maybe that is just the kind of view that makes me feel less judged and therefore will ease the guilt. Come back in a few years and I’ll let you know what actually happens and how I actually feel about it.

My favorite part of the entire article was the suggestion to ask your kids what they think and how they feel about your work schedule or even to ask yourself if you would like to be your own kid. BTW, your answer should be a resounding hell yes or there might be a problem. I was raised by an amazing working mother. She is the CFO of a company because she worked hard. In turn she raised me to work hard and accept responsibility for my life. I love her more for having made that difficult decision, but I am not so sure my feelings on the subject have eased the guilt she carries for working long hours outside the home while I was young. What we need to remember is that kids will recall the quality of time spent together for more than the quantity.

What kind of working mom are you? The kind that stays home or the kind that hires help? And who do you think feels more guilt?

A Great Debate 7