One of my favorite sites is Mommy Tracked and this week Leslie Morgan Steiner wrote an awesome article that got me all fired up. If you left to read it I don’t blame you, but glad you’re back. It inspired me to write about another one of the most intrusive and inappropriate questions (why are there so freakin’ many?) that people love to ask a Pregnant Girl.
Are you planning to go back to work after the baby?
The problem with that question is two-sided. Suppose she says no, I am going to be a stay at home mom or suppose she says yes, after 3 months off we are going to hire a nanny and I will go back to work. Either way there is a 50% chance the person asking the question did the opposite. Meaning everyone feels judged, judgmental, defensive, jealous or some combination of those negative feelings.
Some women have always known that they want to stay at home once they have kids, but not every woman knows which roll she will take on until she holds her child for the first time. And that is assuming she has the choice. While I don’t have a baby yet, it’s not so far off that I expect a financial windfall that will allow us (let me point out this is an us situation, my husband and me, not just me although I will take the brunt of the judgement) to maintain our lifestyle if I chose to stay home. And I already know you stay at home judgers and Dr. Laura lovers are saying change your lifestyle, but that is not for you to decide. I think my children will prefer a lifestyle that allows them to travel and enjoy extracurricular activities. Or maybe that is just the kind of view that makes me feel less judged and therefore will ease the guilt. Come back in a few years and I’ll let you know what actually happens and how I actually feel about it.
My favorite part of the entire article was the suggestion to ask your kids what they think and how they feel about your work schedule or even to ask yourself if you would like to be your own kid. BTW, your answer should be a resounding hell yes or there might be a problem. I was raised by an amazing working mother. She is the CFO of a company because she worked hard. In turn she raised me to work hard and accept responsibility for my life. I love her more for having made that difficult decision, but I am not so sure my feelings on the subject have eased the guilt she carries for working long hours outside the home while I was young. What we need to remember is that kids will recall the quality of time spent together for more than the quantity.
What kind of working mom are you? The kind that stays home or the kind that hires help? And who do you think feels more guilt?
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I stay at home and now I work from home. And I don’t do guilt. What a waste of energy!
The guilt never goes away whatever you do, so just do it! Happy wife, happy life!
I don’t even understand why women who work full time have children. What is the point in hiring someone else to raise your kids, cook for your kids and welcome your kids home after school? I chose to stay home, my husband and I chose to cut back on luxuries and made it happen. Maybe I will work again once my children are grown or perhaps that will be my time to retire. You should think hard about this choice before you bring another child to fill a space in daycare into this world.
@ Cheri – good for you, I’m not so good at the no guilt thing, I was brought up Catholic after all.
@ Renetta – that is one of my favorite sayings and is the reason every marriage should come with a housekeeper:)
@Casey – Everyone is entitled to an opinion…I guess.
Is it weird that I have no guilt at all about the thought of working after baby arrives in April? I’m more concerned with paying my mortgage so our little one can keep his/her cozy home! No decisions have been made with us- will I go back after 4 months? 6 months? Part-time? Full-time? Still waiting to see what works for us when the time comes.
But, I too was raised my a working mother- an administrator for a national convalescent home. Sure, she didn’t make it to all of the school birthday parties, but she provided me with a fabulous childhood that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
:)
I just had my first 4 months ago and just finished my first month back at work. Although I will candidly admit I LOVED maternity leave and wished it would have continued for much longer, I have a career and a mortgage, and play a very active role in the “dual” part of a dual income family. I have a team that reports to me and a boss that counts on me, and as tough as it was to transition back I am managing to make it work. Sometimes that means logging back in late at night to wrap things up, and it often means little sleep, but the time that I do have with my son is precious and I am able to give him 110% when I am with him.
It is nice to have a choice to stay home or work…but coming across as judgmental and suggesting that someone who works full time shouldn’t have kids is just plain ignorant. I am “choosing” to live in a nice home in a fantastic area with great schools, save for my son’s education, my retirement, and be able to provide him with as many opportunities in life as possible. I am extra fortunate that he can spend the days with his grandmas while I work to help provide so he too can have choices. Of course there are days where the grass is always greener…my SAHM friends will admit to that too. But at the end of the day you do what you need to do and you make it work, regardless of what your personal situation is.
I have a child and guess what- work at least 40 hours to provide for my family. I bring home the majority of our family’s income. I didn’t “plan” my daughter- I “got” pregnant. Regardless, we were already married she wasn’t in the near plans. I am wondering if Casey thinks I should of gotten an abortion to allow me to save more money to stay at home with the next pregnancy?
My child (who, yes is in daycare) is better adjusted and socialized than almost all the kids I know who have stay at home moms. I guess the playdates with Yo Gabba Gabba, Elmo and Baby Einstein aren’t as effective as a classroom with attentive teachers and kids their own age.
I know this is an old post but I HAD to comment!
Casey – Your comments are really harsh. Did you ever think that women CAN’T afford to stay home? Even when cutting “luxury” items. I am glad for you that it works out. Please think about feelings of others before you judge. If I didn’t work we would have to cut health insurance, utilities and let me see… FOOD.
Everyone is entitled to an opinion BUT everyone is entitled to keep it to themselves, too. Staying home may be helping your child but it has done nothing for your tact!